But hasn’t it proven to be fairly useless when it comes to forging marriages that last forever? How many people have mouthed the words, “until we are parted by death” while privately plotting to move on as soon as a more attractive option presents itself? Here’s a set of wedding vows with practical merit
They might sound unconventional and unromantic
They’re certainly not poetic, but these promises, if kept, will go far in sealing a marriage for ages
1
I promise to clarify my expectations A marriage ends because a spouse has failed to meet the expectations their partner brought to the marriage
Expectations are unique, and come packaged inside your fiancé’s brain
You may think these things are obvious or universal, that “everyone knows” what makes a good husband, what makes a good wife
But the truth is your expectations are yours alone – spawned from your experiences and locked in your head
There is nothing you can assume about your partner’s idea of what a good marriage looks like
No harm will come from being very specific and concrete about exactly what you want, not just in bed but in the bank account, at the dinner table, with regard to parenting and everything else
If you’re too shy to mention what you believe is the right way to behave, and you’re hoping everything will become obvious as time goes on, you’re not ready to get married
Get it all in the open, and keep putting it out in the open
If someone fails you, they should have to do it by choice, and not have ignorance as an excuse
2
I promise to give you the benefit of the doubt when it comes to money One of the biggest adjustments when entering marriage is joint finances
From being on your own and subject only to your own ups and downs, you’re now responsible for another person, or you’re depending on another person
That can be scary
Here’s a vow you can make that will help: if your spouse spends a lot of money on something, trust that they know what they’re doing
Trust them until it becomes impossible not to trust them
Don’t come out of the gate suspicious
Here’s why you can do this: you didn’t marry an idiot
Right? If you think they’re overspending this month, chances are they’re expecting a special check, or they’re compensating for under-spending last month, or something else
This is not a fool; this is your spouse
Surrender the worry that they’re going to drive you into financial ruin
Give the benefit of the doubt
If they really do appear to be ruining you, then the last benefit of the doubt you can give is that they don’t know any better and need help
Help kindly and respectfully, not with judgment and blame
3
I promise to make sure I’m not just hungry before I yell at you Do your wife or husband a favour, eat your favourite sandwich and then come back and yell at her/him all you want, if you still feel like it
4
I promise not to give in to you for the sole purpose of using my compliance against you later Some people call this passive-aggressive behaviour, but this is a very specific manoeuvre that you can understand and avoid: being the good person, even though you don’t want to, is not always good
Being so compliant and docile that a halo pops out of your hair and lofts itself over you, bathing you in its golden light, is sometimes a trick, and you really intend to strangle your spouse with that halo somewhere down the road
Being so good that next time there’s an argument, you can point back to this moment as an example of how your goodness practically rent the sky in half – that’s not goodness
Don’t do that
It’s not going to help in the long run
If you don’t want to do something, fight not to do it
If you want to do something, fight to do it
Be honest and don’t posture
5
I promise to defend you to others, even if you are wrong Your spouse is going to encounter plenty of haters and critics
Don’t join them
Ever
In the privacy of your pillow, or your sofa, or your minivan, you can have conversations that need to be had, if there’s really something that needs to be addressed
But you don’t need to agree with someone who’s calling him a boor or her, an idiot
There is nothing uglier than watching a husband degrade his wife, or a wife demean her husband in front of other people
It doesn’t make you smart or funny
It’s just a low behaviour
Your spouse’s criticism hurts plenty, even if it’s private and kind
If it’s public and rude, it’s almost unbearable
6
I promise to try to put you before the children This is tricky, because your biological imperative will be to put the children first
Your physiology will be directing you to eat the face off your spouse if he or she threatens the children’s progress and happiness in any way
This is why it’s possible to make this promise to each other: to really try to prioritise each other sometimes, even though the children are absorbing so much of your life
In reality, if you truly prioritise your spouse and leave your children out on the porch in a dirty diaper in the rain, the police will come
But because you’re a normal person and not some child-abusing monster, you’re not going to do that
Making this promise might actually result in some time spent together as a couple, some choices made for the benefit of Dad’s or Mom’s agenda and goals instead of the kids’ activities all the time, and some needed balance
7
I promise to do the stuff neither of us wants to do, if you really don’t want to do it more than I don’t My husband hates to do the dishes
He really hates it and thinks it is disgusting
I do not like to look at spread-sheets or think about money
At all
It gives me panting fits
Now, I don’t especially want to do the dishes either
Nobody wants to do the dishes
But I’m okay doing the dishes – yes, every single time, even if I also cooked the dinner, even if he left a plate full of gravy and broccoli bits hardening in the sink
I don’t really care that much, and I’m not going to stand on principle to try and chase some goal of “fairness” and make him do the dishes half the time
If fairness were what we were after, then I would have to pay attention to the checking account and have a budget and worry about mortgages
And I don’t
That’s not fair either
But we don’t care because we’ve made the following promise
8
I promise not to keep score You can’t win marriage
There are no points
Any reckoning or score-keeping on your part is only going to result in told-you-so trumpeting or sad dissatisfaction
Not keeping score means you don’t have to pay back the good stuff, and you don’t get to punish the failures
It also means you can give freely, and that you have a soft place to fall when you fail yourself
There are consequences for every action – good and bad
That is true
But “forgive and forget” works two ways – you forget the good stuff you did and the bad stuff he/she did
In return you can expect your bad stuff to be forgotten, and your spouse to give you good stuff without measure
9
I promise to not care if you get fat or skinny or old I’m talking about getting fat, people
Butt, huge
Arms, wiggly
I’m also talking about hot bodies wasting away to nothing
Boobs, gone
Butt, gone
Can we talk about hair falling out? Not just boy hair, but girl hair too
Weird moles developing
Facial hair getting thicker or thinner
Googly eyes
The truth is you don’t really care about these things
Your favourite person is your favourite person until the end of time, even if their head falls off or they grow a third leg
Even if a dragon comes and eats off the lower half of their body or they turn purple or get warts
You know what matters is on the inside, and you can articulate it
If you want to utter the most romantic words a woman will ever hear, say, “I will love you forever, babe, even if you get wicked fat”
Trust me
Your skinny fiancé will love you for this
10
I promise to put your happiness before mine Really it all boils down to this, doesn’t it? You promise to subvert your needs, your wants, your goals and priorities, to those of your spouse
And he or she does the same for you
If you’re both working for the other’s happiness, earnestly and sincerely, then you’re both going to be ridiculously happy
Here’s the key though: it’s not enough to sublimate yourself and be a virtuous martyr for his/her dreams to come true
You also have to allow your spouse to do the same for you
You have to be able to say “Okay!” when he says “Go!” To say “Thanks!” when she says “I don’t mind!” And trust that when it’s your turn to reverse roles, you’ll do the very same
Because in the end, it’s not even selflessness
It’s working for the common good
And if you can’t say you’ll do that, then “until we are parted by death” is just going to be a long, dull, sad life sentence
In my opinion, if you can’t wholeheartedly vow these things, you shouldn’t be getting married
Yep, it’s a little tougher to promise “in fatness and in emaciation, even if my mother hates you” than it is to promise “in joy and in sorrow, forsaking all others”
But which is really braver, and what promise more meaningful? This post originally appeared here
| Date: | 16-Mar-2015 | Reference: | View Original Link |
|---|