I am okay but let me drown myself

My body refuses to move and my soul retaliates from inside, leaving me woozy and heavy-headed

They tell me it is just my hormones and this is how things are at my age

I ask them, is this how you felt when you were in my shoes? Were you even wearing the same shoes back then? The exact same fit, thread to thread, emotion to emotion, skin to skin? As children, we would swim towards the deep end of the pool and we would compete with each other; games that involved going underwater and touching the floor of the swimming pool

I recall the weight building up as I used to go underwater, my body wanting to float, but my will power motivating me to hold my breath and go down under

Now, I do not need the swimming pool to feel the same way

And my will power has gone

It feels like I am stuck halfway

Life can be compared to an ocean now; I keep trying to catch my breath and the water keeps choking me, and the weight of it keeps dragging me down

Only I cannot move further down

I am just dangling in the middle trying to live

Living is hard

Everyday activities seem pointless

And I do not know why

It’s just like that

I used to love biking

I used to love going for a walk in the woods

Now all I want to do is disappear into the sky

They tell me I just need to get out of the house, socialise, and hang out with friends

They say it will be okay once I start ‘acting’ normal

And I start questioning them

What is the definition of normal? What is the definition of being okay? What is wrong with me anyway? You all say you have felt the same way I have, so why single me out and tell me what to do when I just want to get lost in the silence of my empty thoughts? It feels like the sun mocks me every morning

So I just draw the curtains, but my maid keeps opening them

She has to clean the room, but I have to clear my mind

I do not like how I am feeling

But I do not dislike it as well

It is like a tea stain on my favourite tee that refuses to go away

I want the shirt

But then there is a stain on it

The big brown stain on my dinner jacket, which cannot be hidden

But I do not mind

It is a part of me

But nobody understands

Everyone keeps pushing and pushing, pulling at my ropes, giving directions to me, while I just float in the ocean



And yet, you are not willing to hear me out

I just want to be alone

Please let me be

A lot of time has passed since my body gave up on my soul

I have seen and known enough to admit it is okay; I am okay

There is nothing wrong with me

We just like to label people

And unfortunately I got the “depression” label

But it is okay

It is who I am

And the sooner I learn to accept it, the quicker my body and my soul can piece everything back together and be at peace

Date:03-Apr-2015 Reference:View Original Link