My body refuses to move and my soul retaliates from inside, leaving me woozy and heavy-headed
They tell me it is just my hormones and this is how things are at my age
I ask them, is this how you felt when you were in my shoes? Were you even wearing the same shoes back then? The exact same fit, thread to thread, emotion to emotion, skin to skin? As children, we would swim towards the deep end of the pool and we would compete with each other; games that involved going underwater and touching the floor of the swimming pool
I recall the weight building up as I used to go underwater, my body wanting to float, but my will power motivating me to hold my breath and go down under
Now, I do not need the swimming pool to feel the same way
And my will power has gone
It feels like I am stuck halfway
Life can be compared to an ocean now; I keep trying to catch my breath and the water keeps choking me, and the weight of it keeps dragging me down
Only I cannot move further down
I am just dangling in the middle trying to live
Living is hard
Everyday activities seem pointless
And I do not know why
It’s just like that
I used to love biking
I used to love going for a walk in the woods
Now all I want to do is disappear into the sky
They tell me I just need to get out of the house, socialise, and hang out with friends
They say it will be okay once I start ‘acting’ normal
And I start questioning them
What is the definition of normal? What is the definition of being okay? What is wrong with me anyway? You all say you have felt the same way I have, so why single me out and tell me what to do when I just want to get lost in the silence of my empty thoughts? It feels like the sun mocks me every morning
So I just draw the curtains, but my maid keeps opening them
She has to clean the room, but I have to clear my mind
I do not like how I am feeling
But I do not dislike it as well
It is like a tea stain on my favourite tee that refuses to go away
I want the shirt
But then there is a stain on it
The big brown stain on my dinner jacket, which cannot be hidden
But I do not mind
It is a part of me
But nobody understands
Everyone keeps pushing and pushing, pulling at my ropes, giving directions to me, while I just float in the ocean
Empty
Screaming
And yet, you are not willing to hear me out
I just want to be alone
Please let me be
A lot of time has passed since my body gave up on my soul
I have seen and known enough to admit it is okay; I am okay
There is nothing wrong with me
We just like to label people
And unfortunately I got the “depression” label
But it is okay
It is who I am
And the sooner I learn to accept it, the quicker my body and my soul can piece everything back together and be at peace
| Date: | 03-Apr-2015 | Reference: | View Original Link |
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